Merlin's Worst Nightmare
by Kyla18
Summary: "Utter foolishness." "It made me kick a cat." "After reading this I felt rejuvenated and immediately found a new reason for which to live." Just some of the reviews this story received. Merlin meets the FF versions of his friends...


_**This is a bad idea. My first fan fiction - and it's a weird 'un! **_

_**This may have (MUST have!) been done before but I don't shiv a git :) It's quite possibly the worst thing I've ever written - very OOC - but enjoy!**_

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**No offence intended, I love Merlin fiction myself!**

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_T'is one fine and sunny day in the legendary world of Camelot, and a certain raven haired hand servant is strolling through the ancient halls of the castle, blissfully unaware of the terrible fate that awaits him..._

ARTHUR: **Mer**lin.

MERLIN: Oh hi Arthur, I'm just taking your laundry to be -

_Arthur sticks his leg out. Merlin falls._

MERLIN: Hey! What did you do that for you prat?

ARTHUR: It's obvious isn't it? I'm being sexily obnoxious of course.

MERLIN: I heartily disagree with one part of that statement you jackass.

ARTHUR: The obnoxious part? Oh Mer-Mer, I knew you'd return my affections!

_Arthur proceeds to haul Merlin up into a clumsy, impassioned embrace. He sucks face until Marlin shoves him away, startled and very confused._

MERLIN: What _are _you doing?

ARTHUR: Oh, of course you're right. I'm a Prince and you're a manservant. We are but men. Our love can never be!

_Arthur's eyes fill with tears. Merlin is alarmed._

MERLIN: Hey now, well don't cry about it... This is a joke right?

ARTHUR: Fine! Reject me then. Maybe I'll go find comfort in the arms of Gwen. Or Morgana. Or Gaius. Or the dragon. Maybe all four. I'm a sex machine rawr!

_Merlin is very alarmed._

MERLIN: I think you **do **need to see Gaius... Not like that!

ARTHUR: Why don't you love me? How can you do this to me... and our baby?

MERLIN: What? How is that even possible?

ARTHUR: I didn't say the birth was easy...

MERLIN: *_is appalled by mental imagery*_

ARTHUR: And now that you have rejected me and our love, I have no choice but to HATE YOU! I'm going to meet up with my dear friend Mordred and plot your downfall mwhahahahaa!

_Merlin proceeds to back away slowly from the manically laughing Prince with his hands held up in fear. He rounds the corner and who should he run into?_

GWEN: Merlin!

MERLIN: Oh Gwen! Arthur's gone wrong!

GWEN: What? Are you okay? You look ever so flushed. Here, have some flowers.

_She thrusts a bunch into his arms._

MERLIN: What? No Gwen, we have to find Gaius.

GWEN: Of course, you know I'd grant you anything... ANYTHING.

MERLIN: Umm okay, well I need you -

GWEN: Mmm I'm so glad to hear you say that. Let's make babies manly man!

MERLIN: *groans* *Not you too!

GWEN: Of course I'm just joking. I'm saving myself for Morgana...

_Merlin chokes on his own spit and severely crushes several innocent flowers._

MERLIN: Gah! Not listening, not listening!

GWEN: Let's get drunk and weep over the prince we both love, but cannot have.

MERLIN: Don't touch me!

GWEN: Oh alright, must dash anyway, I'm supposed to be meeting Arthur *wink-wink* if you get my drift.

MERLIN: I don't want to! And I thought you were saving yourself for -

GWEN: See both you boys later right?

MERLIN: STOP WINKING AT ME!

_She dreamily walks off into the distance calling:_

GWEN: Lancelot my darling? Come save me from my impending loveless marriage...

_Now shivering with fear and impending dread, Merlin bangs his head against the wall to remove the disturbing images._

MORGANA: Er, Merlin, what are you doing?

MERLIN: Cost effective therapy.

MORGANA: Well don't. I have custody of my EVIIIL son today, don't screw it up.

MERLIN: *makes a noise that is not phonetically spellable... something along the lines of waaaaahuh?*

MORGANA: Oh I believe you've met Mordred?

MERLIN: Not that asshole!

MORGANA: How dare you! My magical mojo's better then yours - lets have a duel biyotch.

MERLIN: What you gonna do, throw your nightmares at me? And how did you know -

MORGANA: I have to find Uther my master, for a little bondage fun. Byyyyyyeeee!

_Struggling not to vomit, Merlin runs to the main hall and almost collides with the person he least wants to see._

UTHER: Off with your head foul wizard!

MERLIN: Who are you, The Queen of Hearts?

UTHER: No, I am your Watcher. You are the Chosen one, one girl alone to fight against vampires, demons and the forces of-

MERLIN: THAT'S THE WRONG SHOW!

UTHER: Interrupt me will you? I'll teach you some manners.

_Pulls out cattle prod._

MERLIN: Don't you dare!

UTHER: Stocks?

MERLIN: Only if there's a beheading so I can escape this torment.

UTHER: Deal!

_Merlin is swiftly dragged away towards the stocks for his public execution. They pass a worried Gaius on the way._

GAIUS: I don't belieeeeve it.

_Oh, like you thought he wasn't going to say it?_

MERLIN: Oh bite me.

FINI!

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_**So what do you think? Hang on, what you going with that straight jacket?**_


End file.
